Dying Every Day
Hello world,
When I was eight I wanted to be a writer.
This lasted until high school.
I don't know that I was ever particularly good at writing.
I have these grandiose ideas about the person I could be and the person I am. I'm honestly not particularly great at anything, but I like to believe I am anyway. I am really good at complaining, but I'm not good about doing it in a way that gets other people to care. I've never been good at transitions. My therapist even spoke to that fact, though I mean it in a literary way and she meant it in a "dealing with stress" way. I've just never learned how to be calm or patient with a thought before jumping into the next one.
I always figured I would just find myself a good editor.
And I think this is a dangerous thing in analytical work. I have some sense of duty for providing good data, a good base, something to work off of. And I'm not too shabby at reviewing. But ask me to review my own work until it's a polished gem?
Fuck that.
My mom doesn't like the amount of four letter words I use and sometimes I listen to her but mostly I don't listen to her nearly as much as I should. This is part of what makes my life difficult. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I always have to do things the hard way.
I was hospitalized recently and it really made me realize what was important to me and the kinds of things I was letting hold me back from writing.
What if my writing identifies people who should be kept secret? What if my big mouth gets them in trouble? What if I have to confront that some of the good parts of who I am came from terrible experiences and people I don't want to give an ounce of credit to?
But then it also showed me that I believed in things that were bigger than myself. Sure, I don't believe in God in the traditional sense. I don't believe there's a being out there specifically focused on the trajectory of my life or waiting to absorb my spirit but I believe that the energy I store in my body will be recycled back into the world. I believe that if I put my energy into change, that that momentum will ripple through time in irreversible ways.
My voice is a ripple in a very, very large pond.
There's a lot of fear in the world right now. There always has been a lot of fear in the world. There are always bad things happening to good people. There are good things happening to bad people. There are things happening to people that we categorize as good and bad.
I feel comfortable collecting data. There can be errors in the way the data is gathered and interpreted. But observing the data itself is largely lacking in ambiguity. It's comforting.
I get so wrapped up sometimes in the way data is presented to other people. It is downright infuriating sometimes. I am so hyper-aware that the first piece of information you receive on a topic is the information you are most likely to believe. And it is so frustrating, because anyone can step up on a pedestal and tell you things. It's exhausting to figure out who to listen to. And so, I think the best way to approach misinformation in this world is for everyone to talk. For everyone to write. Write about your experiences.
I have a person that I need to thank for my moniker. Because I knew them, I look at the world in a different way. I never needed to hear their speech about how to be successful in the world because we measure success differently. But because of this person, my life has changed and I have grown. For the longest time I wanted this person to fail because of the choices they made. I hope that some day, if they come across this, and if it generates information that harms them, that they know that they helped shape me to become the fuck-it chemist.
Fuck what your bosses want.
Those tests better be accurate. It's on you.
Or else someone will use your voice for their profit.
Thank you for your time. I'll be around again soon.
Cheers,
The fuck-it chemist
When I was eight I wanted to be a writer.
This lasted until high school.
I don't know that I was ever particularly good at writing.
I have these grandiose ideas about the person I could be and the person I am. I'm honestly not particularly great at anything, but I like to believe I am anyway. I am really good at complaining, but I'm not good about doing it in a way that gets other people to care. I've never been good at transitions. My therapist even spoke to that fact, though I mean it in a literary way and she meant it in a "dealing with stress" way. I've just never learned how to be calm or patient with a thought before jumping into the next one.
I always figured I would just find myself a good editor.
And I think this is a dangerous thing in analytical work. I have some sense of duty for providing good data, a good base, something to work off of. And I'm not too shabby at reviewing. But ask me to review my own work until it's a polished gem?
Fuck that.
My mom doesn't like the amount of four letter words I use and sometimes I listen to her but mostly I don't listen to her nearly as much as I should. This is part of what makes my life difficult. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I always have to do things the hard way.
I was hospitalized recently and it really made me realize what was important to me and the kinds of things I was letting hold me back from writing.
What if my writing identifies people who should be kept secret? What if my big mouth gets them in trouble? What if I have to confront that some of the good parts of who I am came from terrible experiences and people I don't want to give an ounce of credit to?
But then it also showed me that I believed in things that were bigger than myself. Sure, I don't believe in God in the traditional sense. I don't believe there's a being out there specifically focused on the trajectory of my life or waiting to absorb my spirit but I believe that the energy I store in my body will be recycled back into the world. I believe that if I put my energy into change, that that momentum will ripple through time in irreversible ways.
My voice is a ripple in a very, very large pond.
There's a lot of fear in the world right now. There always has been a lot of fear in the world. There are always bad things happening to good people. There are good things happening to bad people. There are things happening to people that we categorize as good and bad.
I feel comfortable collecting data. There can be errors in the way the data is gathered and interpreted. But observing the data itself is largely lacking in ambiguity. It's comforting.
I get so wrapped up sometimes in the way data is presented to other people. It is downright infuriating sometimes. I am so hyper-aware that the first piece of information you receive on a topic is the information you are most likely to believe. And it is so frustrating, because anyone can step up on a pedestal and tell you things. It's exhausting to figure out who to listen to. And so, I think the best way to approach misinformation in this world is for everyone to talk. For everyone to write. Write about your experiences.
I have a person that I need to thank for my moniker. Because I knew them, I look at the world in a different way. I never needed to hear their speech about how to be successful in the world because we measure success differently. But because of this person, my life has changed and I have grown. For the longest time I wanted this person to fail because of the choices they made. I hope that some day, if they come across this, and if it generates information that harms them, that they know that they helped shape me to become the fuck-it chemist.
Fuck what your bosses want.
Those tests better be accurate. It's on you.
Or else someone will use your voice for their profit.
Thank you for your time. I'll be around again soon.
Cheers,
The fuck-it chemist
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